The Skinny Caretaker

Since I have lived in this hospital a time or two I can share my knowledge of how to stay fit and active during a hospital stay (Not the patient, the caretaker). It’s really incredibly simple: Do absolutely nothing different.

I would actually be shocked if a healthy caretaker gained weight during a hospital stay. Why? Because the simplest tasks take the greatest amount of exercise and time.

On a typical day you get started by taking a nice, hot shower. But you cannot use the shower in the patient’s room… No, no no! You must use a public shower. In this hospital there is only one public shower that I have found, so far. It’s location? Three floors below me. No matter which way you choose to reach that shower you are bound to get your exercise. I personally prefer to take the stairs from the 6^th floor to the 3^rd floor (keep in mind that this hospital actually has a floor between every floor so three floors is really six). Then, walk down the long maze of a hallway to the shower. Odds are, since it is the only shower, there is someone already using it. Your option is to sit in the hallway and wait the five to thirty minutes, or just go back up to your room and try again later. If you return to your room your exercise increases.

Want breakfast? Well, your patient can have it delivered to their room but you are not the patient. If you want something to eat, grab your purse, walk 75 feet to the elevators, take them to the second floor, walk another 60 feet past the surgical waiting area, turn Left and walk for thirty feet, turn Right and walk for thirty feet past the pharmacy, veer left, walk through the crossroads section about 100 feet to the H elevators. Take the H elevators to the first floor, walk about 20 feet to the cafeteria, grab your food, and follow the exact same course, in reverse, back up to your room, while carrying your food.

And what if you have to pee? Perhaps I am the only person who uses the bathroom every hour but, if you are like me, then you will certainly get your exercise. Remember, you cannot use the patient’s bathroom, which is always calling your name from only ten feet away. You must use a public bathroom to prevent spreading infection and germs to the patient who has a very poor immune system. You would imagine that there is a public restroom in every hallway but you would imagine wrong. To use the bathroom on this floor you need to walk about 100 feet down the hall. Not too terrible but it is through three different doorways. However, you need to share that bathroom with nearly every other patient’s caretaker so it is more than likely that, once you walk the distance to the bathroom, you will need to wait. Don’t be fooled. I once waited about ten minutes before I walked away. If the bathroom is in use it is time to enact the Backup Bathroom Emergency Plan (BBEP). You have walked the distance, waited the appropriate time, and now you REALLY have to pee! What do you do? Turn around, head back to the elevators, go to the second floor. Don’t make the mistake of checking the fifth, fourth, and third floors for a bathroom. This is especially fun at night when you really have to pee and you need a badge and shoes to walk around outside the room.

Need something in your car? No worries. If you walk non-stop you can probably get to your car from the B6/600 Rooms  in about 7 minutes, making your trip to the car a 14 minute roundtrip.

If you are still hankering for some exercise after all of your daily duties are complete then keep reading to learn about some ridiculously stupid things I do while I am here in order to keep myself in shape (no joke, I seriously do these).

1.       1. I avoid the elevators. I don’t like sitting in a box with other people so I take the stairs because no one else does. If I do take the elevators I perform as many squats as I can while the elevator is moving. I stop as soon as I see the doors opening to avoid possible humiliation.

2.       2. At night, when I walk to the cafeteria or the convenience store I perform a series of lunges. I have to walk a couple hundred feet and there are very few people here at night so I lunge my way down the halls.

3.    

            3. Whenever I go to the bathroom I perform a few standing squat/hip abductions or front kick combinations (after I use the facilities, of course). The bathroom is large enough and no one can come in so there is no risk of anyone seeing me acting like a fool.

4.       4. I walk to my car the long way. When I need something from my car, which is parked on the fourth floor of the parking ramp, I don’t use the elevator, and I don’t use the stairs. I walk from the first level up to the fourth as though I were a car going to the top. This requires me to walk three, uphill laps to my car. This is exhausting.

There, now you know how to stay in shape while you are staying in the hospital with your patient. And you also know some embarrassing facts about me. Keep checking back for more useful information about my husband and his bone marrow transplant.